Lewes Forum thread

Go on, tell 'em what you think

Lewes Forum New message

cheer up

On 30 Dec 2016 at 12:25pm moody wrote:
Bit of a dilemma. I was in San Francisco last night at a frozen fish party with a load of celebrities when an earthquake happened . The whole building shook and things and people went flying everywhere. I am now jammed next to some frozen fish and Dwayne Johnson.
Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard plaice.
On 30 Dec 2016 at 12:27pm Jester wrote:
Possibly the worst joke I've ever heard
On 30 Dec 2016 at 12:59pm moody wrote:
On the set of "Goodfellas" there was an onset crèche, where the actors could drop off their children for when they were filming. One day a boxset of Scooby-Doo films were stolen, some of the children shouted for help and pointed out the thief, who was duly caught.
When he was being dragged away by security, he shouted "I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for Joe Pesci's kids"
On 30 Dec 2016 at 4:04pm L Dawson wrote:
My fairy godmother said I could have either a long memory or a long penis.
I forget my response.....
On 30 Dec 2016 at 5:42pm Shaggy Dog wrote:
A friend of a friend, somewhat jaded by the usual christmas fare, decided he'd head down town to look for a menu that would more suit his DFL hipster palate. Disappointed by the offering in Lemon Grass and Aqua, he moved on and was struck by a notice above a fish tank in the window of a pop up fish restaurant near the bottleneck. The sign read; "anything you can eat in this tank for only 5 Lewes Pounds". Delving further, he noticed that, amongst the ubiquitous trout and salmon endlessly traversing the glass, sat a little green octopus, reading a copy of the Grauniad and stroking his moustache. Intrigued, he ventured in and sat down at one of the last remaining tables. The restaurant had filled up quickly and it wasn't long before he became aware of an altercation going on at a nearby table. He overheard, "No m'sieur, the octopus is not part of the offer, he is a highly respected member of the restaurant staff" and the notice had been written by an intern from the Sussex Express on work placement. The arguement became more heated and eventually the "maitre d" was summoned. The Maitre D explained to the disgruntled diner that the octopus did all the washing up once the restauarant closed and saved the rest of the staff hours of work so that they were able to catch the last replacement bus of the night. No one would believe this outlandish claim so the maitre D rolled up his sleeves, put his arms in the tank and waited for the octopus to climb on. The octopus calmy sidled into the arms of the maitre D and allowed himself to be carried to the rear of the restaurant, closely followed by a group of diners desperate to see if the story was true. Doesn't he bite? said one of the diners, "of course not, he's as gentle as a kitten" said the maitre D. The octopus, now safely sat on a stool next to the sink proceeds to get to work on the washing up.Tentacles flail, his moustache bristles as he dunks, washes, drains and wipe all the plates, bowls, cups and saucers bone dry in no time all and all the while whistling show tunes from the '40's and '50's all to the raptuous applause of the assembled audience..." That's amazing" said one, "what do you call him?" to which the maitre D replied, "we call him Fairy"...."That's a funny name" said another of the audience, why do you call him that?
"Because he's our mild, green, hairy lip, squid.
boom tish.
On 30 Dec 2016 at 6:47pm Jude Iscious wrote:
Four hands that judicious............
On 30 Dec 2016 at 6:51pm Lewes Cinema wrote:
Way back when it was operating a group of ETA "supporters" were watching a western - the fire alarm went off and they all rushed for the exit. Sadly some didn't make it in the crush. The moral of the story is ........Don't put all your Basques in one exit.
On 30 Dec 2016 at 8:26pm Mark wrote:
Q: How would you titillate an ocelot?
A: You'ld need to oscillate its tits alot.
On 30 Dec 2016 at 9:47pm Bunny wrote:
Rabbit walks into a bar for lunch, chooses a cheese and ham toastie. Next day he ordered a egg and bacon toastie. After that he fell sick and couldn't get to the bar till the following week. When asked why he'd been ill, he replied 'mixingmetoasties'
On 30 Dec 2016 at 11:49pm Over 30 raver wrote:
Did your hear about the cowboy with the paper shirt?
He was done for rustling.
On 30 Dec 2016 at 11:53pm We'vehadourfun wrote:
I'm trying to see the brightside of this forum and my glasses have steamed up.
It's hard to be optimistic when you have a misty optic
On 30 Dec 2016 at 11:56pm Oohlahlah wrote:
I hear George Michael was arrested with a chocolate bar up his a#@e
Just a careless whisper
On 31 Dec 2016 at 8:15am Joker wrote:
What's the difference between George Michael, and a microwave? A microwave stops when the door opens.
On 31 Dec 2016 at 8:36am PsychFest wrote:
Why did the lifeguard not rescue the hippy?
He was too far out.

23 posts left

Your response

You must now log in (or register) to post
Click here to add a link »
Smile Wink Sad Confused Kiss Favourite Fishing Devil Cool



The Lewes Crest 118:132
The Lewes Crest

Get a cat? more
If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.
George Washington