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Only children

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On 23 Aug 2010 at 9:26am Depressed Mum wrote:
I'm a 39 yr old mother of an only child (5 yr). I never wanted another child but am having terrible guilts that my child will be all alone in the world when me and his Dad (age 53) are gone. Also I am so worried he will die before me and I will be all alone in the world. I have no real friends at the moment as I am hopelessly shy.
please help
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 9:43am Peter and Boon-Nam wrote:
One is never truly alone in the world my friend, even though we feel we are at times, I was an only child and when Ma and Pa departed I coped just fine, try and be upbeat, most of our fears are never realised. All the best, Peter
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 11:25am Southover Girl wrote:
I was an only child for 10 years. That was great. Then my brother came along and I had to look after him. That was bad.
I had 2 kids in my teens and brought them up alone, which was hard, very lonely and depressing, but now I only seem to remember the good times. They are grown up now and we are great friends and all love each other very much.
Why am I telling you this? Because there is a lesson here Depressed Mum.
Life is hard most of the time and you get scared of what will happen and what you should do. But it is also wonderful and full of unexpected joyous stuff. Your job is to remember this and if something makes you truly unhappy, to change it. But don't worry about what could or would be. Life is really much too short for that.
 
 
On 23 Aug 2010 at 11:51am Depressed Mum wrote:
Thanks. I think it is because my mother is seriously ill that I feel this way. I will fail apart when she dies.
 
 
On 23 Aug 2010 at 11:51am Depressed Mum wrote:
Thanks. I think it is because my mother is seriously ill that I feel this way. I will fall apart when she dies.
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 11:53am Pixxiecat wrote:
Hi Depressed Mum, I have an only child. He is grown up now and very sociable he has many friends and can communicate confidently at any level. I was a shy kid who was bullied at school and I was determined that my son would not have to go through that. Luckily he had confidence and oodles of love from his Mum, grandparents, uncles and aunts. Perhaps you can get out and about and meet mums with children of a similar age. My boy is a grown man now, so I don't really keep up with the in places for mum's and kids, although I have heard that the Grange is a good meeting place for mum's and kids - especially in the summer hols. Alternatively you may be able to find out from your Doctor's surgery, church, or local newspaper when kids events are going on. I wish you luck and please get help for your depression before it escalates.
 
 
On 23 Aug 2010 at 12:30pm Old Cynic wrote:
Southover Girl is spot on! I too was an only child until the age of 12 when my sister came along, followed a couple of years later by another on. We fought like cat and dog and I spent most of my teenage years babysitting or looking after them - it was a pain and wished on a daily basis to be an only child again! Now we are all grown up we get along just fine!
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 12:40pm Richard wrote:
I really hope you're feeling more upbeat soon D.Mum. I just wondered whether you might actually be (at least partly) clinically depressed, in which case your perspective on the situation will be really skewed and you might be incapable of seeing the positives in your life (there are always positives, no matter how hard they try to hide sometimes)? It might be worth speaking to your partner and GP? Other than that,
I'd focus on trying to make friends - easier said than done I know. Having someone you can talk to would help with your feelings of isolation as well as give you companionship if / when your mother passes away? Pixxiecat is right - there are all sorts of ways for parents to meet up and share what can be a lonely existence. I have a 2.5yr old and a 7 yrs so have some experience! Anyway, coming here is a good place to start and you've already connected with half a dozen people since you posted this morning! Keep in touch with us!
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 12:43pm Southover Girl wrote:
You need to make friends and I know this is hard because you said you are very shy. You can make friends through your son's activates. Have you visited the All Saints Centre in Friar's Walk? It is an old church building, but has been used for years as a community, youth and Arts centre. It's got a kids cinema, a toy library, singing classes for kids and loads of stuff for adults. And like Pixxiecat said, try the grange of Pells pool.
I remember when I lived in London, sitting on a park bench watching my two girls play or at McDonalds looking around at all the families sharing a meal together and laughing. I felt very lonely; no one came up to me or spoke to me. But when I moved to Lewes and the girls started getting involved with activities, I started meeting people too. You'll be surprised how quickly it happens.
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 1:05pm Cuddles. wrote:
When my son was little I was determined he wouldn't grow up like me.
I was loved,had a big brother and sister,joined by a baby brother when I was 8,who I adored...But my Mum hardly ever cuddled us and never read us stories.
So when my son was born I cuddled him and always read him stories.
Now he has a son of his own and he looks back on his young life and he remembers well how loved he was.I used to wonder about him being an only child,but I never worried about it.Neither did he.
Don't worry too much about her being an only child....Just love her lots.
 
 
On 23 Aug 2010 at 1:08pm Cuddles. wrote:
Should have been love him lots.....
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 1:08pm Depressed of Lewes wrote:
Thank you so much everyone...I have made an appointment with my Doc (have suffered from depression on and off since I was doing my A'levels and during University)....I will try and get involved in some more activities with my child...you are so right that depression affects your whole way of thinking...it makes me so pessimistic....I hope to hear about my Mum's illness soon...it's so hard as she is my best friend and the only person on this planet who will love me unconditionally..
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 1:16pm Richard wrote:
Hope we helped! It might be worth noting that I know of at least 4 other people in Lewes who are feeling down and / or depressed at the moment. I personally think the change in weather / CONSTANT drizzle is partly to blame. Anyway see what your GP says and keep us posted.
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 1:47pm Caroline wrote:
It's true, Cuddles point about love and affection being the most important thing for your child. It will also help him and you tremendously if you are well.
A secure and loving home is far more important than the amount of siblings he has.
It's quite understandable that facing your mothers illness will make you question your own role as a mother, and the decisions you have made that will impact on your child once you are gone. The very fact that you are considering this shows how much you care.
Well done for making the step to go to the Dr. I hope things brighten up for you soon.
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 3:06pm Pixxiecat wrote:
Hi Depressed Mum - I am glad that you have made an appointment to see your Doctor. It is sometimes so difficult to think about moving forwards when you feel so down. Try to take one day at a time and not think too far ahead if you can. Hugs and kisses and cuddles from your son are so precious. If you can, get a bit of "me time" a relaxing bath or a cuddle from your husband - If you do get involved in more activities with your child you will find out that Lewes people will be friendly and supportive of you. Keep in touch here on the forum and let us know how you get on x
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 3:21pm Black Dog wrote:
Hear hear Richard. I had SAD, the 'lack of light' depression, over the last interminable winter. I'm sure it's possible to get it in weather like this too.

One thing that helps is dragging yourself out, going for a walk on the Downs, and trying to see as much horizon as possible. Get all that sunlight into your brain. Sounds simplistic but it seems to work for me at least.
 
 
On 23 Aug 2010 at 3:31pm Depressed Mum wrote:
Thanks again everyone...it's been a hard day in the office for me today, trying to talk to people without bursting into tears...no news from the hospital about Mum (another sleepless night!)....but your kind messages have helped me through the day...
Black Dog: I love walking and nature and hope to instil the same love in my son, I always feel better when I'm walking in the countryside. Same with gardening, flowers etc
Thanks again and to those who said keep in touch.... I will
 
 
On 23 Aug 2010 at 4:14pm sashimi wrote:
Your son must now be in full time education. We found having primary school aged children was the most social of our lives. The kids socialise a lot and the parents get together on the back of their friendships. We met lots of really nice people we wouldn't have run into otherwise. You shouldn't be on your own for too long.
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 6:54pm Webbo wrote:
What a fantastic bunch you are.
This is why I do it.

I'm sure things will work out for you DM. One thing that helps me when I'm low is trying to make someone else happy. It's a lot easier said than done I know but worth a try
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 7:21pm Peter and Boon-Nam wrote:
Agree Webbo, 3 cheers to the people of Lewes and to you my friend!!!! Best, Peter and Boo
 
 
On 23 Aug 2010 at 7:46pm Webbo wrote:
Hi DM. A thought just occurred to me. I put these positive thinking videos up some time ago.
Have a look and see if they help at all.

Positive thinking »
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On 23 Aug 2010 at 9:27pm PHANTOM TRAVELLER wrote:
Hi Webbo how thoughtful of you to put on the videos for D mum .I had a look and found them to be very calming they make you feel greateful for what you have. Well done .And thankyou good luck Dmum
 
 
On 25 Aug 2010 at 12:52pm Depressed Mum wrote:
Still no news from the hospital...this is torture not knowing
 
 
On 25 Aug 2010 at 1:42pm Old Cynic wrote:
Positive vibes comin your way - chin up!
 
 
On 27 Aug 2010 at 10:18am Depressed Mum wrote:
I have a difficult road ahead of me....with pain and heartbreak to deal with. Hopefully my doctor can help with this....I think I will ask for unpaid leave in order to care for my sick mother.....happiness is such a fragile thing and can be gone in the blink of an eye, whereas despair is so hard to overcome....
I wish I had the answer...goodbye for now
 
 
On 27 Aug 2010 at 12:33pm Pixxiecat wrote:
Hi DM - unpaid leave from your job may be a good thing for you to do would your mum be okay with you caring for her?Have you seen your doctor yet?


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