On 9 Apr 2009 at 9:38am Duck in the Pond wrote:
Gotch ya!
On 9 Apr 2009 at 9:44am Nine Lives wrote:
A duck walks into a pet store and says to the clerk, Got any duck food?
No, says the clerk, we only sell dog food and cat food.
OK, says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, Uh, got any duck food?
The clerk once again replies, No, like I told you, we only sell cat food and dog food.
OK, says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, Uh, got any duck food?
The clerk says, Hey look, I told you two times already that we only sell cat food and dog food!
OK, says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, Uh, got any duck food?
This time the clerk yells, We dont sell any duck food and if you come in here one more time asking, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the ground!
OK, says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, Uh, got any nails?
No, says the confused clerk.
Then the duck says, Got any duck food?
On 9 Apr 2009 at 9:47am Love-a-duck! wrote:
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
On 9 Apr 2009 at 9:56am Duck with a butt wrote:
So this guy walks into the doctor's office with this big white duck on his head.
The doctor looks up and says, "Yes, sir, can I help you?"
And the duck says,
"Yeah, can you get this guy off my butt?"
On 9 Apr 2009 at 10:00am Hare Brain wrote:
A man was blissfully driving along when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs and sweeties went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same road saw the man crying on the side and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and sweeties, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
On 9 Apr 2009 at 10:07am Easter Chick wrote:
Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and squeezed the accelerator. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety! With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now you saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
On 9 Apr 2009 at 10:24am expat wrote:
How do you make a duck sing?
Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.
On 9 Apr 2009 at 9:53pm Northern bigot wrote:
A nun leaves the Doctors surgery ashen faced and trembling! The receptionist remarked to the Doctor that she had never seen the nun looking like that before. " I told her she was pregnant " exclaimed the Doctor! "Was she"? enquired the receptionist. "No" replied the Doctor "but it cured her hiccups !"
The nun went to talk to her local Priest and told him that the Churches railings needed painting and hedges needed cutting. The priest told her " You have been a nun for 40 years you are allowed to say our railings and our hedges"
The priest said he was expecting the cardinal shortly, but had mislaid his watch, could she look for it while he entertained the cardinal. Later as the cardinal was leaving the excited nun rushed up to the priest and said she had found his watch. "Where did you find it ? asked the Priest. "Under our bed" replied the nun!
On 10 Apr 2009 at 9:37am sam spam wrote:
is that a man at the door with a bill, no it's a duck with a hat on!