Lewes Forum thread

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Bored

 
 
On 4 Dec 2010 at 9:57pm Leaf wrote:
Anyone got a good joke I'm so bored
 
 
On 4 Dec 2010 at 10:22pm Red Ken wrote:
David Cameron.
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On 4 Dec 2010 at 10:33pm Deelite wrote:
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together. "A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
 
 
On 5 Dec 2010 at 7:59am Newmania wrote:
A load of querulous students pretending they are going to have a revolution ? Makes me laugh anyway
 
 
On 5 Dec 2010 at 11:40am MuttsNuts wrote:
Gary Glitter announced from his cell today that after he has
served his time he and his family will be jetting off to Florida, USA to start
afresh...
He Said "As soon as I get out, I am going to Tampa with the kids"
 
 
On 5 Dec 2010 at 4:31pm rene wrote:
Deelite your joke made me really laugh more please.
 
 
On 5 Dec 2010 at 5:25pm H wrote:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
 
 
On 5 Dec 2010 at 5:53pm H wrote:
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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On 5 Dec 2010 at 10:24pm parking meter wrote:
WORLDS BEST PUB

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 
 
On 6 Dec 2010 at 8:10am Annette Curtin-Twitcher wrote:
2 Australians were at sea in a lifeboat and found a lamp in the bottom of it, under the lifejackets. One of them rubbed it, and a genie appeared, and offered them just one wish.
Before they could discuss it, the first Australian wished that the genie turn the sea into XXXX lager, and he promptly obliged.
The second Australian looked around at the sea of beer surrounding them, sighed and said "Hell, mate, we'll have to p!ss in the boat now".


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