Lewes Forum thread

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Story Time

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On Fri 13 Nov at 8:42pm Tom Pain wrote:
One winter evening, on the outskirts of the Mild Wood, a very excited Screamer stood outside Mr.Polecat's door. He was taking rather a long time to answer,but finally the door opened and a rather unfriendly voice slurred,"What do you want, you little pr#ck?" Good gracious, thought Screamer, he's been drinking and sounds like a horrid gammon! Screamer plucked up his courage and asked the Polecat if he'd read his brilliant hatchet job in the Lewes Muckraker. "Look son" he mumbled, " It was so over the top,it was a laughing stok"- he was so inebriated,he'd forgotten how to spell. "Youre worse than that bl##dy Green snake". "I haven't seen him in a while," faltered Screamer,trying to make conversation. "The silly pr#ck's been off with the Skunk, it'll be days before I can get any sense out of 'im," replied the Polecat. Screamer jumped up and rushed outside,the demon drink had changed the kindly, gentle Polecat into a dreadful parody of his former benign self. Even his white plastic overalls with plate glass visor and aqualung breathing apparatus failed to comfort him as he made his dejected way home to Transition House, in fact it was horribly uncomfortable. Even the thought of another six months lockdown was not enough to raise his flagging spirits. Don't miss the next riveting episode of Will in the Windows.....Why was he in the window anyway and what was he doing?
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On Sat 14 Nov at 7:11pm Black Sleeves wrote:
Why waste your time reading this utter drivel?
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On Sat 14 Nov at 10:35pm IDM wrote:
Because its weirdness is utterly hilarious.
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On Sat 14 Nov at 11:00pm Tom Pain wrote:
Episode 2 has just vanished and I've had to sign in again The weirdness increases, it's still raining....Eldrich forces gather....and it's time for my cocoa.
 
 
On Sat 14 Nov at 11:58pm Tom Pain wrote:
A new day crawls it's palsied way over Cliffe Hill and reaches the window from which the shadowed face of Will faces the grey street. Does he see the Weasel make his way north towards the Mild Wood? Does he even care? In any case, he's on his way to have it out with the inevitably hung over Mr. Stoat. Turning the corner he notices Mr. Toad's long black limousine outside the door and quick as a fish, slips into the laurel grove over the way. What could be the meaning of this? Reaching a device from his James Bond HiTek Belt, he gets digitally down and dirty and hears the strangely humble voice of the Stoat. Suddenly!... A cold voice frost's the airwaves! Toad's factotum, Blacksleeves ,with studied casualness tells him- "Tonight, or it'll be the worse for you, gas the Badger." "But how can I get the equipment?" " But me no buts, butthead, get the boys from Extinction Reality and do it".......
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On Sun 15 Nov at 1:41pm Hyena wrote:
TP, after reading this Iím glad you didnít subject us to your poetry.
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On Sun 15 Nov at 10:55pm Tom Pain wrote:
You old flatterer you, I know your game,but a hyena would be rather out of place in the Mild Wood. So I'm afraid I can't oblige, but you never know.....
......silence in weasel's earphone, then from the road, the roar of a powerful motor, the complaint of abused rubber and a return to the bucolic charm of country lanes. The clanking bellow of bulldozers,screams from the slaughterhouse,ambulance sirens, construction workers building a new 5G tower, a heavy metal band practicing in the scout hut,but most terrible, the all but silent march of climate change.
Once more in the Spartan discomfort of Stoat's living room Weasel listened to his orders for the day. "I want a piece about how Corvid 33 vectored from jackdaws to badgers and then on to humans,right. Put all those medical terms in and make it convincing this time, do all the usual stuff,guilt by association, all your best neuro linguistic hints and allegations, just make badgers sound like the worst diseased vermin ever to pollute the earth. Put in some stuff about them eating fluffy kittens and biting David Attenborough. Get it in the Muckraker today, off you trot, I've got a lot to do.".......
What's happened to Mole and Ratty, are they ever going to poke their lovable shiny snouts in? There's only one way to find out.....
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On Wed 18 Nov at 12:44pm Tom Pain wrote:
Testing, testing,Will in the Windows calling.
 
 
On Wed 18 Nov at 1:43pm Tom Pain wrote:
For the third time the latest installment has not appeared. Is some occult agency at work?
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On Wed 18 Nov at 2:54pm Green Sleeves wrote:
No dark agency would carry out such a good deed and public service, TP.
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On Wed 18 Nov at 3:03pm IDM wrote:
This is obviously political - it bears an uncanny similarity to a certain (ex-) president's rants.
 
 
On Wed 18 Nov at 4:07pm Tom Pain wrote:
That's where you make your big mistake G. If they can censor me, they can censor you. Everyone loves Trump being censored but when it starts happening to Biden the penny might drop. First they came for......fill in the blanks.
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On Thu 19 Nov at 9:10am Green Sleeves wrote:
"Slippery slope" blah blah etc, yep I know, we are all doomed and the sky is falling down chicken licken.
 
 
On Thu 19 Nov at 11:28am Tom Pain wrote:
While the Weasel was listening in on Stoat, only the worms noticed another presence only inches away....vertically.Even George Smiley would not have detected this Mole. Yes our shy, diffident friend has returned. He tunnelled away and surfaced at a discrete distance, anthropomorphised and trotted off to inform the Badger of the sinister developments.
Even more meanwhile in the dingy premises of the Muckraker, Weasel was cooking up a positively hallucinogenic brew of half truths and innuendoes to smear the noble Badger. The rackety machinery of the gutter press was rolling out the latest reliarble "news"-
"Corvidman Strikes a New Deadly Blow,keep your doors locked and hermetically seal your letterbox! Witnesses have witnessed a dark hooded figure with stygian sleeves BREATHING stertorously through Transtown letterboxes in a manner likely to cause a breach of every Health and Safety regulation known to man and in direct contravention of the 2020 Crownavirus Act...... More nonsense and trenchant criticism may follow.
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On Thu 19 Nov at 12:01pm Tom Pain wrote:
....." Police advise the public not to get rookey and remonstrate with the heinous villain who is no common jailbird or mere jaywalker but a raven lunatic bent on medical mayhem. Inspector Jack Daw stressed that he would be choughed to receive any pertinent information but would deal with chattering magpies spreading idle gossip extremely strictly.
Exponentially meanwhile the Water Rat was skulling expertly up river when he saw Blacksleeves arrive at Toad Hall. Beaching in a nearby creek Ratty peered through the cobwebby window of the boathouse to be met with the unappealing sight of Boris Toad in breathless dalliance with one of the kitchen maids. Suddenly the door burst open to reveal Barrie, the Toad's main squeeze brandishing the cast iron handbag from Toad's collection of Margaret Thatcher memorabilia.....Does this portend another fortnight's hiatus in the dismal career of Toad?
 
 
On Mon 23 Nov at 8:49pm Tom Pain wrote:
Rather than the comb over, Toad preferred the dishevel forward, but Barrie was disinterested in tonsorial matters as she raised the handbag of doom over the cowering Toad's head. Quite possibly Toad might have made the record books for the shortest ever prime ministership but a funereal sleeved hand grasped a dainty wrist and bloodshed was averted. A panic stricken Toad leaped to his feet but the unconventional position of his trousers somewhat impeded his progress and he catapulted into the water."Get me out of here",shouted the Toad, flailing in the cold dark water. "Get out yourself,fatty" replied a sardonic Blacksleeves, leading Barrie back to the house, followed by a forlorn dripping figure.
"Now look here 'Sleeves", blustered a re-inflated Toad, "you're damned well fired". " I think not" replied Blacksleeves,"I've resigned",strolled out with exasperating casualness and drove off in the Rolls.....


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