Lewes Forum thread

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My dearest son Chav

On 7 Mar 2009 at 10:05am Chavs mum wrote:

Dearest Son Chav,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within a mile from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Gary out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mum.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

On 7 Mar 2009 at 12:13pm Karen Thecommunity wrote:

Hi Mrs Chav,
I am Karen. Chav's probation officer. I have read him your letter (I think Chav is a him, its hard to tell with all that pink knitwear, and gold jewelery)
He asked if you could get him a new Burberry baseball cap, as the one you sent has the peak on the back, not the front. He also wondered if you could get him a new hoodie with a graphic design like the one he saw on Crimewatch last week.
Thanks
Karen

On 8 Mar 2009 at 10:16am chav wrote:

You 2 taking the p1ss? I ain't got an Uncle steve

On 8 Mar 2009 at 12:26pm Karen Thecommunity wrote:

Chavington, sorry, I mean Chav, Do you remember that we discussed how Mummy has a brother called Steven, and that just like your name, it can be shortened. Short for Steven is 'Steve', so it is easier for you to remember. You could always get 'Uncle Steve' tattooed on your back next to the list of other family names you keep forgetting. But remember this time to get it done in reverse so that you can read it in the mirror.
Karen