Lewes Forum thread

Go on, tell 'em what you think


Lewes Forum New message

It's the Friday Joke Thread

 
 
On 15 May 2009 at 2:48pm Happy Weekend wrote:
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
 
 
On 15 May 2009 at 3:42pm Guiseppi wrote:
A BUS STOPS AND 2 ITALIAN MEN GET ON. THEY SEAT THEMSELVES AND ENGAGE IN AN ANIMATED CONVERSATION. THE LADY SITTING BEHIND THEM IGNORES THEIR CONVERSATION AT FIRST, BUT SHE LISTENS IN HORROR AS ONE OF THE MEN SAYS THE FOLLOWING:
"EMMA COME FIRST. DEN I COME. TWO ASSES, DEY COME TOGETHER. I COME AGAIN. TWO ASSES, DEY COME TOGETHER AGAIN. I COME AGAIN AND PEE TWICE. DEN I COME ONCE-A MORE!"
"YOU FOUL-MOUTHED SWINE!" RETORTED THE LADY INDIGNANTLY..."IN THIS COUNTRY WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT OUR SEX LIVES IN PUBLIC!!!"
"HEY, COOLA DOWN LADY" SAID THE MAN. "IMMA JUST TELLUN MY FRIEND HOW TO SPELL MISSISSIPPI!"
 
 
On 15 May 2009 at 3:45pm Joker wrote:
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says: "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... ...and both his legs fall off.
 
 
On 15 May 2009 at 3:45pm GraveDancer wrote:
Dave woke up still dressed, with a terrible hangover, he smelt of sick and couldn't remember how he got home. He slowly opened his bloodshot eyes, groaning inwardly at the thought of his wife's foul temper and was surprised to see a glass of asprin and a red rose by the bed. Then his wife came in with a full English breakfast on a tray. Confused he got up telling he needed a pee and went to his sons room to ask what was going on.
"You woke the whole street up, banging on the door cause you lost your keys then you fell over and smashed the coffee table, you were sick over the carpet and mum had to help you upstairs, mum tried to get you undressed and that's when you started shouting!"
"What was I shouting ?" asked Dave
"LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M A MARRIED MAN!" replied his son
1
 
On 15 May 2009 at 4:01pm Padraig wrote:
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goalkeeper for Ireland's national football [soccer] team. I've never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net."
"What? Not once?" calls the woman.
"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world agrees that I am the best goalkeeper there has ever been".
And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away >from his body, with palms facing forward.
"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"
So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement [sidewalk], catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.
The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.
 
 
On 15 May 2009 at 7:27pm night crawler wrote:
Here is a tip for getting a peanut out of your ear. Fill it with chocolate and it will come out a treat!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
On 15 May 2009 at 8:08pm Northern bigot wrote:
In 1966 a little known footballer Mike Trebilcock was the star performer for Everton in their FA Cup 3-2 victory over Sheffield Wednesday. He became famous for a short time and all the media wanted to interview him and ask questions. In more simpler times however one unfortunate headline appeared. Mike was asked questions in a newspaper article about his likes and dislikes re certain subjects, when it came to music the headline read, " Trebilcock loves the Beverley sisters" All three of them we presumed?
1
 
On 15 May 2009 at 8:56pm Webbo wrote:
Welcome back NB
 
 
On 15 May 2009 at 9:09pm cato wrote:
Prostitute lets man in pub have a couple of quidsworth. Next time he comes across her in the pub he shouts out "you gave me crabs" to which she shouts back "what did you expect for two quid f*****g scampi?
 
 
On 16 May 2009 at 9:49am Northern Bigot wrote:
Thank you webbo, Still on a football theme, Fred s, car broke down this was in the 1960s and he noticed another car slowing down and the occupants got out and asked if he wanted asistance. They turned out to be Alan Ball who then played for Everton and England and his dad Alan Ball senior who was the manager of Preston North End . When Fred got home his wife asked him why he had not taken up their offer of help with his car. Fred responded "Im not going down the pub and telling everybody ive been rescued by the Balls!"


27 posts left

Your response


You must now log in (or register) to post
Click here to add a link »
Smile
Smile Wink Sad Confused Kiss Favourite Fishing Devil Cool

terms


 

Lewes Rugby Club 78:132
Lewes Rugby Club

TP 15 Sep - 21-49: I simply don't understand how my "options" do not refer to the current situation. Are you seriously... more
QUOTE OF THE MOMENT
I like tea and faerie cakes on the Castle Green
NCG